How My Identity Stays Fluid

Coming out was a very long process for me. Partially, because it was hard (and still hard) to nail down exactly who I am. Because of this, I was very afraid of being out or placing a label on myself. I was worried that it wouldn’t feel genuine or that I would have to constantly change how I identified.

The first time I came out, it was backstage of a 7th grade musical. I told one of my castmates randomly that I was bisexual. It happened very fast and to be totally honest, I didn’t really know where it came from.

Since then, I’ve told my parents and friends but all to different degrees. In the days or moments before I first ‘came-out,’ it felt like I was about to explode.

But as soon as I let the words come out of my mouth, the pressure all went away. I didn’t have to hide anymore, and I was free to be who I am. But even though I was able to release some of that pressure, I was never comfortable being totally out with everyone in my life.

Maybe I was worried about the image I had created for myself, or that I would be treated differently. So, I only told a few selective friends.

But when I got to college, I made a promise to myself that I was going to live “out” and be myself always. During those first few months of being out, I never felt alienated, alone, or exiled from anyone on campus.

It was simply full of love and positivity. After an especially damaging relationship with a partner, I began to question if I really was who I was saying I was.

Did the label fit me? Was I lying to myself? Or was it just the relationship I had after which my partner left me feeling so confused? After a lot of support from friends and mentors, I’m feeling like it’s time to come out again.

But this time, it’s all about not putting a label on myself and being okay with that. I guess simply put: I’m queer. But given my past experience, in aspects of my personality and life, the label and my identity may shift too.