“I had no idea where to place this demon within me. She wasn’t who I am.”
I was 9 years old in my closet, balling my eyes out, with no understanding as to why. From what I can remember, my day was great. Then, I had this overwhelming feeling of emotions
, that usually only came if I fell off my bike.
As time went on, my episodes became more explosive. I would scream and yell and cry.
I started to break things in my room around 12. I’d punch holes in my door.
I had no idea where to place this demon within me. She wasn’t who I am.
I started to go to therapy upon my freshman year of high school. Around that time, I was also struggling with my sexuality.
After a few sessions, I was diagnosed with depression. This diagnosis gave me the answer to my sadness, often in the middle of a cheerful time.
Close to my 15th birthday, I came out to my mom and she was not taken back by it. She told me ‘I had a feeling.’
I started to use drugs heavily and self-harm to cope with this. The drugs were my saving grace in the mist of chaos, and the self-harm reflected my pain within.
I was 18 years old when I decided to take matters into my own hands to deal with my depression and not allow it to destroy what was left of me. I began to see what I feel was the greatest therapist I have ever had the privilege of knowing. She helped with everything.
She helped me understand who this other version of me was. Thanks to her, I have not used prescribed medication in almost 5 years. I can deal with myself much better now and writing has become my only coping tool.
I’ve tattooed on my former cutting arm: ‘fighting my demons until my angels outweigh them.’ That is my everyday fight. I want any kid or adult going through the same thing to know that ‘ Life is worth it.