“I started having anxiety and panic attacks from all the load I tried to hide from myself. No one would know because I would always have people think that I have it all together.”
Ever since I was a little girl, I have always been trained to be perfect. Be the perfect daughter, perfect student, perfect best friend and perfect girlfriend. I am only a sophomore in college and I feel like I am straight into adulthood.
Did I also mention I am only 19? I’m from Yonkers. We are not trained to be depressed.
I think that’s how it goes down in every black and brown household. We are taught that we can’t be drained in self-pity and depression. We are taught to dust yourself off and try again.
When I first came to college, I really didn’t know what depression really was. I try to put up this picture of myself being so perfect and I am always on top of my stuff. As people can see, I am always on my phone because I always try to make myself busy.
The summer after freshman year, I started having anxiety and panic attacks from all the load I tried to hide from myself. No one would know because I would always have people think that I have it all together. I had to be real honest with myself about the fact that I am not perfect and that is okay.
Yes! I am a good student and all but I also make mistakes just like everybody else. Usually when I do something bad, I am always so down on myself.
Honestly, I am still working on that because that is not good for me. For the first time in my life, I am starting to embrace my mistakes.
Luckily, I have people in my corner who reassure me that it is okay to make mistakes and learn from them. Just accepting myself and my mistakes has taken a hell of a load off of me. I look forward to more days loving myself and embracing future mistakes.