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Mental Health – Voices

“The scale is both my best friend and my worst enemy. I need it. If I went more than a few days without weighing myself, I would probably rip my hair out from the amount of anxiety I would get.”
Hamden, CT
I am 22 and I suffer from anorexia nervosa and have been since I was about 16 or 17. I don’t even like saying it out loud.

It sounds so stupid. I mean, I’m not even that skinny. Like if I were walking down the street and you saw me, your first thought would be ‘oh an average girl’, not ‘damn she needs to eat a burger.’ And that’s sad that I’m even saying that.

Just because I’m not scary skinny doesn’t make my disease any less real. That’s like saying that someone doesn’t really have cancer because they’re not bald.

I’m too scared to even go into recovery and get professional help but I know I have to. A huge part of this is control and once I go get help, it’s no longer in my control.

Everything I do and eat will be controlled by another person and that scares me sometimes more than dying does. I guess that’s also a sad yet very real part of all of this.

I’m almost okay with dying. And it’s not like I actively want to die.

I’m not suicidal and I wouldn’t even really say I’m that depressed. Eating a lot though, that’s what makes me depressed, and gaining weight.

The scale is both my best friend and my worst enemy. I need it. If I went more than a few days without weighing myself, I would probably rip my hair out from the amount of anxiety I would get.

It’s my crutch. Whenever I see the number go down, I get so happy. It’s like an adrenaline rush.

I imagine the feeling is better than any drug. But if the number goes up, which is does a lot, I fall in a hole.

It’s like, what is wrong with me, why am I such a failure? I get so mad at myself.

When I look back at how much that scale effects everything I do, it makes me sick to my stomach. I know I’m sick and I know I need help and I’m going to get it but I’m just so scared.

I wish that I could recover and get better and be a role model to younger girls suffering and tell them: it is okay! And that if I got through it so can you but I’m just as deep into this illness as I have ever been. I’m not even 100% sure why.

I know the risks and I know what this sickness is doing to me. I’m going to get help and I will get better.

I don’t know how long it will take and I’m not expecting for it to be even close to smooth sailing but I am going to do it. I have to do it.

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