How Finding Happiness Helped me Overcome Suicidal Thoughts

I don’t necessarily think there’s a trigger to make you happy. Happiness is something within you that you have to find for yourself.

As a kid, depression was always something that I overlooked because I didn’t think it was a real thing. I had always heard my mom talking about how she was depressed, but I thought it was a feeling that you had control over and could change whenever you wanted to.

My mindset quickly changed in 5th grade when I started to have suicidal thoughts.

During 5th grade, my parents got divorced and my mom became a huge alcoholic. My whole life rapidly changed including where I lived, where I went to school, and even the friends I hung around.

I started to ask myself, ‘Is it me, am I the reason they got a divorce?’ Once my mom found a new boyfriend and they broke up, she ended up blaming the breakup on me and told me if it weren’t for me, they would still be together.

From that point on my depression followed me wherever I went. In high school, my depression reached a new height when my dad put me on a special gluten and wheat free diet.

He believed that gluten and wheat might have been the reason my turret was acting up so much. He ended up buying all sorts of special wheat and gluten-free food that tasted horrible which caused me to starve myself.

I walked around most days starving, depressed, and feeling alone.

One night, I was playing video games at my mom’s house, when she came into my room raging drunk, screaming at me about how I was ungrateful and cared more about my father than I did for her. After she got done screaming, she made her way over to the stairs and fell down them accidentally.

It was at that moment I realized I didn’t want to end up the same as my mother, depressed and using alcohol as a coping mechanism.

Depression isn’t something that goes away overnight, but with the proper care and attention, I have learned to manage it. I’ve also learned that no matter what someone else does or tells you, you need to want change for yourself in order to have change occur in your life.

This is a motto I find myself revisiting quite often to remind myself that I am worthy of living. I deserve a chance at life, just like everyone else.