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4 Common misconceptions of Arranged Marriages

Aanandi Murlidharan

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Cover from Indian Matchmaking on Netflix. Depicts the matchmaker Sima Taparia smiling in yellow clothing with a woman and a man over each shoulder.

Since its release on July 16, the reality show, Indian Matchmaking has become a  household name. It has reached Netflix’s top 10 list in the United States. As the name suggests, the show revolves around the business of Mumbai based matchmaker, Sima Taparia.

Taparia focuses on seven couples ranging between their mid-twenties and late thirties, each with a variety of different professions. The show revolves around the age-old concept of arranged marriages. 

However, after watching the show, many viewers have had a negative idea of what the arranged marriage process is like. There are still many viewers, who do not quite understand how the process works.

Blendtw has gathered first-hand experiences from couples who are products of arranged marriages. This is a list of four common misconceptions people have about arranged marriages. (All names have been changed due to privacy reasons).

1. It’s forced onto couples.

Historically, arranged marriages were organized between families as an alliance to bring the two families together. It was not something that was limited to India, but also to other Asian and European countries.

Often in these circumstances, the bride and groom would have never met in person. They would have simply met on the day of the marriage. Arranged marriages have evolved over the years. The arranged marriage process is similar to that of an online dating service. However, arranged marriages work on a spectrum. 

No two arranged marriages are alike. Each couple meets in a different way. Samir, the son of an arranged couple, described how his parents were matched in a more traditional way. He described how his two grandparents were neighbors in Lahore pre-Indian and Pakistan partition.

In 1947, they moved to New Delhi, where they were once again neighbors. “My paternal grandmother asked my father if we should approach my mother if he had any interest,” said Samir. “He was interested in another woman, but they rejected him because she was in the police force.” In 1951, the couple married, when Samir’s mother was around nineteen years old and his father was around twenty-five.

Samir said that prior to their marriage the couple barely knew each other, but after, they were happily married for 65 years until the passing of his mother. 

Ronit and Rena, a couple married for 25 years, had a very different experience meeting. “It’s like going on a first date and seeing whether or not you liked the person,” said Ronit.

He described how the only defining difference between meeting someone through an arranged marriage was that they knew of each other’s family background. “Although we didn’t know each other before, we both had similar experiences. Both our families celebrated the same festivals and took long train journeys to see our grandparents in South India.”

2. Women must compromise more.

Throughout the show, Sima Taparia emphasized the importance of compromising and adjusting, while looking for matches. However, many viewers felt that the women were often asked to compromise more on their expectations for an eligible partner.

This lead to the spark of many internet memes, Tiktoks, and other criticisms of the arrangement process. 

While this might be the case for certain situations, it is not a set standard for everyone. Not every woman is forced to compromise their personal beliefs, lifestyle, and values for the sake of the groom’s family.

If a family demands this from the woman, the woman has every right to say no to the match. Taparia described how she rejected many matches, who did not respect her as a woman. 

Gauri, who has recently completed 25 years of marriage with her husband, also cared about her place in the marriage. “I do not want to be a doormat, I want to be able to work, I want to be able to make my own decisions. I needed a kind of person, who would let me be myself,” said Gauri.

She mentioned how she turned down many matches until she met her husband. “Even though it’s an arranged marriage we need to stand our ground. Even in marriage, it’s like colleges, you have to write down your pros and cons. If pros exceed the cons, then I will go for it. If not, I won’t,” said Gauri.

Compromise in marriage is not something that is limited towards marriages. It is a multi-faceted concept that applies to friendships and parent-child relationships.

If an individual cares for someone, then they are willing to deal with certain things they may not like. “Take the show King of Queens,” said Ronit. “Doug’s father-in-law lives with him. He doesn’t really like it, but he puts up with it for his wife’s sake.”

3. There is no true love in the Marriage.

A common misconception about arranged marriages is that there is no love present in the marriage. However, this is not the case. The purpose of arranged marriage is to meet someone, who has a common goal: marriage.

The idea is that your shared experiences and common backgrounds and pave the way for the two individuals to grow to love each other. “You’ve got to understand and like the person before you love them, so the love comes after everything else. I would say that’s the difference,” stated Gauri.

While it may not be the typical boy meets girl story, both individuals love and care for each other in the same way. “The main observation I have is that they get to learn to love each other. They were very devoted to each other. My mother was the stronger personality in the marriage.

My dad was more easy-going.” said Samir. “Their key was that they mutually respected each other.  The respect and love were what kept them together.” The love might happen a little later, but because of your common goals, experiences, and background, you grow to love the individual. 

4. It’s regressive. 

Throughout the course of the show, Taparia emphasized that marriage is not only between the couple, but also between the two families. This idea was seen as regressive by many viewers of the show.

Many viewers believed that if the two individuals cared for each other, then what does the relationship between the two families matter? While the first priority is that the couple gets along, there is a practical reason as to why it’s important for the two families to get along as well. 

For Gauri, the family background matching was a huge benefit to her. “Even though I didn’t have time to meet with him frequently, I knew he was a product of a good family, and that we would get along,” said Gauri.

She described how nowadays, she often speaks to her sister-in-law on the phone if there are any difficulties at home. Having this common family background and respect for the other person’s family, in fact, strengthens the relationship of the couple.

“I’m not only accepting my husband’s family, but I’m accepting my husband’s mother, father, and brother.” explained Rena. “Even though people may see it as a fault, I think that’s where our marriages are much stronger. We care for the extended family as opposed to just the individual.” 

The arranged marriage process is not perfect. There are many flaws in the system such as casteism, colorism (“fair, tall, slim, and trim”), and the exclusion of LGBTQIA+ individuals.

There have been arranged marriage couples, who’s marriages have not worked out, leading to toxic environments. However, it is a system that has worked for may marriages and continues to evolve day by day. As society continues to change, so do the standards of arranged marriages.

“Understand that there are real gradations to it,” said Ronit. “There are still marriages that take place in India, where the people who are getting married in villages have not seen the faces of their matches.” 

“My gut tells me that after a couple of years, it doesn’t matter if it’s an arranged marriage or a marriage based solely on love,” said Gauri. “You discover each other in a year or two, and grow to love and understand each other no matter how you met.”

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Why wearing a mask is everyone’s business

Carolyn Martinez

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A dark-haired woman wearing a white medical mask.
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Almost 20 million people have contracted COVID-19 and there have been over half a million deaths as well. Public health experts have emphasized the use of face coverings to reduce the spread of the coronavirus. In response, extremist groups have taken to rallying against the use of masks, claiming the required use of masks is an infringement on their rights.

“Masks make us slaves,” mentioned a lady from Berlin. 

“Let kids be kids. No masks,” mentioned another from a Salt Lake City protest. 

The use of masks has been encouraged extensively for its effectiveness in retaining bodily fluid that spreads germs and, if contracted, COVID-19. There are countless graphics and scientific studies that prove the benefits of using masks in an effort to contain the spread of the virus.

Even so, a Florida restaurant owner, against mandated mask use, offered an anti-mask extremist group free meals at his restaurant, which violated Orange County’s mandate to wear masks in public spaces. Now, Florida is the world’s new epicenter for the virus.

Many people protest outside of a building, people carry the US Flag and other flags, many people carry signs with black and red text.
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The use of masks, as well as the handle of the virus, has become a political topic to be debated rather than a humanitarian emergency.

When public officials require the use of masks, there is a perception that constitutional rights are being infringed. However, in that thought, there’s a selfish disregard for those that don’t have basic human needs met, such as access to proper healthcare. 

This pandemic has exposed the deep-rooted systemic disparities that exist in low-income families’ lack of access to healthcare.

Those that feel so inclined to attend rallies and protest the use of masks feel secure in their access to healthcare, the quality of treatment they may be receiving, and the fact that they can financially afford to be incapacitated by the virus. That is not a luxury that everyone has. 

A man with a beard and a black shirt shouts at a police officer with a mask on and a police uniform.
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Nevertheless, those against the use of masks are constantly in contention with the public officials that require them.

Treating masks as something worth debating invalidates the lives of those who don’t have any of the aforementioned luxuries.

Additionally, it creates an excess of conversation around something timely that can cost people’s lives. 

Some people have taken to social media to voice these protests.

There is no doubt that the pandemic has disproportionately impacted communities of color, but with the Black Lives Matter movement necessitating protest and attention, communities of color have had to endure two intense traumas.

Politicians have taken the opportunity to politicize the pandemic at the expense of communities of color. And as the aforementioned tweet pointed out, some people just don’t recognize oppression and thus minimize others’ experiences for their benefit. 

People have forgotten to listen to the real experts, those that are informed on the risks of the virus, and are knowledgeable about how it spreads and how to contain it. Instead, they focus on those wanting to start speculative arguments, while millions continue to die.

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4 Psychedelic Drugs That Are Shockingly Beneficial in Treating Mental Health Issues

Anna Leikvold

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Psychedelic drugs have been used across cultures for centuries, but only recently has modern science begun to tap into the potential use of these drugs as a mental health treatment.

The word psychedelic comes from two Greek roots: “psyche,” meaning mind/soul, and “Delos/delic,” meaning to reveal. Thus, the word translates to “soul/ mind revealing.”

Unfortunately, for this potentially revolutionary mental health treatment, the long-held stigma towards drugs continues to complicate research. For a while, this made it nearly impossible to continue looking into the potential benefits of psychedelic drugs. These restrictions are loosening, however, and the FDA has even called psilocybin therapy a “breakthrough therapy.” This means more and more researchers are able to study these drugs. The findings are often groundbreaking.

 Trials are currently underway to test psychedelic drugs including psilocybin, LSD, ketamine, and others in order to treat a predicted mental health epidemic that is beginning to occur as a result of the COVID-19 pandemic. While more research is needed, preliminary findings are shockingly successful in treating mental health issues including, but not limited to, PTSD, depression, drug addiction, and anxiety.

A red mushroom with white dots growing in dirt, referred to as a magic mushroom.
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Psilocybin (Magic Mushrooms)

Research done with Psilocybin suggests that it may be successful in providing a lasting decrease in anxiety for people suffering from life-threatening diseases such as cancer. 

In combination with therapy, the drug helped 13 participants “grapple with loss and existential distress.” Nearly all participants reported that they developed a different understanding of dying after using the drug according to Gabby Agin-Liebes, BA, of Palo Alto University, who conducted the research.

“Participants made spiritual or religious interpretations of their experience and the psilocybin treatment helped facilitate a reconnection to life, greater mindfulness and presence, and gave them more confidence when faced with cancer recurrence,” said Agin-Liebes.

Another study suggests that psilocybin can be used on patients with treatment-resistant depression with promising results. The results show symptom improvements for the patients after just two psilocybin treatment sessions which remained significant 6 months after the treatment.

Ayahuasca

Ayahuasca has played an important part in many South American traditional religions for centuries. This plant-derived psychoactive drug was first formulated by indigenous South Americans of the Amazon basin.

 Some communities that use the drug regularly still exist in the 21st century despite exploitative measures of Western nations who saw the drug as “uncivilized.” The substance is typically prepared by a shaman or religious guide and ingested by members of a religious group. The substance is regarded as a valuable tool in places of worship. 

Ayahuasca has only recently been studied as a potential treatment for depression and addiction, or for people coping with trauma. 

“We found that ayahuasca also fostered an increase in generosity, spiritual connection and altruism,” said Clancy Cavnar, PhD, with Núcleo de Estudos Interdisciplinares sobre Psicoativos.

Adele Lafrance, Ph.D., of Laurentian University, highlighted a study of 159 participants who reported on past use of hallucinogens and their emotions and spirituality levels. The study found that using hallucinogens related to a higher level of spirituality and emotional wellbeing as well as fewer symptoms of disordered eating, depression, and anxiety.

Swirling colorful patterns depicting the affects of LSD.
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LSD

A 2016 study found that after taking LSD, healthy participants reported increased optimism and trait openness. The study seems to reinforce the idea that psychedelics improve psychological wellbeing in the mid-long term.

 LSD, like Psilocybin and Ayahuasca, shows promise as a treatment for anxiety and depression among other conditions. It is also commonly reported to increase spirituality and, in turn, emotional wellbeing. 

In an interview with an anonymous source, they claimed that taking LSD substantially decreased their levels of social anxiety.

“Going into the trip, I set an intention to address my feelings of anxiety around my self-perception,” they said. “By focusing on this throughout the trip, I was shocked by how much happier I felt afterward.”
They say that the positive effects have continued in the months following the experience. “I can’t believe how much more self-assured I feel now. It is like night and day.” 

They want to remind everyone that it is a serious drug and not to underestimate the power of it, and not to abuse it. “If you are going to trip, you need to do a lot of research and be in a safe environment with people you trust.”  While they continue to experience long-term positive effects, they know it is not the same for everyone. 

MDMA

MDMA, more commonly known as ecstasy, is in its third and last phase of clinical trials and is hoping to win approval by the FDA to treat post-traumatic stress disorder. 

Findings from the study also suggest that the drug can help treat social anxiety in autistic adults when used in combination with psychotherapy. Twelve adults in the study with moderate to severe anxiety showed “significant and long-lasting reductions in their symptoms” according to the research. 

“Social anxiety is prevalent in autistic adults and few treatment options have been shown to be effective,” said Alicia Danforth, Ph.D., of the Los Angeles Biomedical Research Institute at the Harbor-UCLA Medical Center, who conducted the study. MDMA and therapy, based on this research, could be a potential breakthrough for this condition.

These studies only represent a small percentage of a larger database of information on the potential benefits of psychedelic drugs. While the findings are promising, more research is needed. Self-treatment using these drugs is risky and potentially dangerous.

If you are interested, contact a medical professional and continue to do extensive research before taking any type of psychedelic. Waiting until they are an FDA approved treatment option will be the safest and most effective way to treat any mental health condition.

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How I Began to Live More Meaningfully and How You Can Too

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A young brunette lady wearing a grey sweater and a blue backpack with a logo on it and jeans walks to her university.
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It took me a while to get to this point. I first realized—and I mean really realized— I had a problem during my freshman year of college. But my issues went back years and years. 

I think we’d all like to believe that our problem can be summed up in one little diagnosis or one word, but that’s not how it works at all.

For me, my anxiety feeds into my body image issues, which feed into a lack of self-esteem, which then circles back to my anxiety. 

When I did realize that I wasn’t okay and that the way I was feeling wasn’t sustainable, I decided to do nothing. I actively decided that there was no possible way to change how I felt and that I would always feel this way.

I would never be able to look in the mirror and not ache. I would never be able to break free of the self-pitying, cynical voice in my head. I wouldn’t be able to break away from my social anxiety and the constant fear that I wasn’t good enough and never would be. 

A black and white picture of a young woman wearing a sweater with small beaded designs on it, while covering one hand with another hand.
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I continued to believe this and live this way for a year. I smiled, laughed, and got good grades, but I actually wished I was someone completely different; someone, better. Not everyone wears their anxiety publicly; like covering myself up with a coat, mine was kept hidden until no one was looking. 

It wasn’t until the fall of my sophomore year that I finally told a friend that I was struggling. I spent that entire quarter in a fog—I cried walking to and from class, sometimes leaving in the middle of lectures to hyperventilate in the bathroom. I had a single dorm room at the time, and I spent most of my time there, crying alone instead of in my usual haunts with friends. 

It was there, in my room, that I finally told my friend everything. It was pure coincidence; she would often come bang on my door to scare me and then I’d invite her in and we’d chat and watch TV together. But this time, she caught me crying. Of course, I told her to go away; I convinced myself that I could handle everything alone like I always had. 

But she didn’t leave. She waited outside the door listening, I guess. She waited a few more minutes, and knocked more softly and asked again if she could come in. I wiped off my face, put on my goofy, self-deprecating grin, and opened the door.

I probably lied, said something about what an idiot I was, pretended I was crying over a TV show or commercial. 

A young buzzed man wearing a dark jacket with multicolored stripes and a young dark haired woman wearing a dark red sweater talk with each other at the Counseling and Psychological Services.
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What my friend did next saved me. She just sat cross-legged on my bed and waited for me to tell her everything, so I did. I told her the full truth that I had never told anyone before (and have told only one other person since). She listened and broke in rarely. And when I was all done, she told me I should go to the Counseling and Psychological Services at our university

When I resolutely told her that I could still deal with it alone, she didn’t push me any farther. She just said that she valued me, even when I didn’t value myself. That she would always listen, though she couldn’t promise that she wouldn’t offer advice afterward.

She said that she loved me and that when I look in the mirror, I should tell myself I am beautiful, even if I didn’t believe it at first.

She saw the signs that my own mother didn’t. She noticed the way my smile would drop when no one was looking. She noticed when I would leave our circle of friends to be alone, only to come back with another fake grin.

She noticed how I avoided my own reflection like the plague. She had noticed that her friend could still smile and carry on while being in pain on the inside. 

At the time, it felt inconsequential. I would go on to talk to her many times, and it was only because of her that I finally did seek help by calling a therapist.

I came to the realization that it simply wasn’t fair to treat her and her acts of friendship as therapy.

Not everyone is lucky enough to have a friend who will take on that role while they are also trying to take care of themselves. She not only listened, but she pushed me to seek help and understood my emotions and pain though they were illogical and nonsensical at times. 

I definitely should have sought help sooner. I assumed the painful conversations I had with my friend were not helping me, but I was wrong. I began to accept myself for who I was instead of hating myself for the person I thought I saw in the mirror.

No one deserves to hate themselves, though I spent a lot of time convincing myself otherwise. I hated myself for being so pitiful and for crying so much. I hated myself for not being able to control my eating better and for not looking like an Insta-model. 

Frankly, it wasn’t fair of me to lean so heavily on a friend for so long, but I can’t express how grateful I am to her for letting me do so. During that period, I wasn’t giving back to that relationship nearly as much as I received. She did not deserve to bear the full brunt of my problems on her shoulders the way she did.

I’ve only just started therapy over quarantine, but it has not yet cured all my problems. Just a few months of counseling have not “fixed” me, nor have my anxieties and pain melted away.

But, I do know that I am getting there instead of just wallowing in my own feelings and self-directed anger. It honestly feels really good to take action against this negative attitude that has weighed me down for years. Some days, I even feel good when looking at myself in the mirror.

If you or your friend is suffering silently, please consider calling a hotline or the counseling service at your university or place of work. Money is secondary. What others think of you is secondary. You deserve to live meaningfully; you are worth more than the barriers that stand between you and your mental health.

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